Blog #13: Orbiting Orion at 30 - A New Kind of Plan

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I previously told myself by the time I hit 30 I want to be a mom.

Things changed, instead I thought post-pandemic that’s when I’d have a kid. I didn’t even think of it as post-pandemic, it was more after I celebrate my 30th year (which is happening now). Once I get back into the world and explore and live it up after a year of quarantine, I’d plan to have a baby.

God had other plans. I’m thrilled to be a mom, and although it wasn’t easy, high blood pressure which made me a prime candidate for weekly antenatal tests, followed by my water that broke weeks early, and then preeclampsia, as well as an infection and all the other obstacles in between (and after). Even though it was a jam-packed series of events, I still feel so blessed and honored to call Orion my son.

So, what’s it like to be a mom?

Scary, I’ve messaged his pediatrician a couple of times to see if I’m doing things correctly or to get a peace of mind.

Different, I still find it strange that I’m a mom, I used to go out for drinks no problem with my husband and now I’m missing his first performance (somewhat) post-pandemic to watch my son sleep and play with his activity set.

Challenging, especially when he’s wailing at the top of his lungs. I just had a moment today where I was presenting via Zoom, and felt a pang of embarrassment and dread as he belted high-pitched screams from the other room.

But, there’s the moments I thoroughly love. The new coos he shares, the baby gummy smiles, the instances he grabs my finger with his hand or shuffles his feet to play, the feeling of him resting and falling asleep in my arms, or when he proudly lifts his head during a tummy time session on our chests.

He gives me a gamut of feels. And, let’s be real, life never goes according to plan. I can make all the plans in the world, but when I see my son I’m truly glad it didn’t go according to the “ideal” plan. Trust me, I’m still going to wonder if I’m doing things correctly or if I’m making horrific mistakes as a first time mom (FTM). I’ll continue to type in the search bar some new concern followed by the word, “forum” to see if other FTMs have gone through the same thing or ask my husband for a second opinion, but really to help calm me down.

Those moments won’t change, instead I’ll do the best I can to live in the moment. Celebrate the times that feel like huge milestones and embrace my role as this little one’s momma. This third decade of mine wasn’t as I thought it would be, but it’s turning into a year where I’m wholeheartedly grateful and fulfilled.